User blog:True Aranel/Dragon's Derpma (Discontinued)

It all started one day. I woke up and it was kind of late, like maybe brunch time. I was following these two weird kids who I still don't know the heck they belong to. Cause they didn't belong to my cousin, who loves me, because that's ok in our village. Yeah, we're in the southern kingdom. Anyway, the two kids; maybe they were ghosts.

So I was following these kids, and then I came across some man-eagle hybrid yelling about a dragon. He actually just had a big nose, but the way he was squawking definitely gave the impression of a bird. He was here to enlist fishermen, (who had never fought in their lives, and can't even go fishing anyway, because the water kills us), to fight a dragon. He wasn't the smartest bird I'd ever met. He should have recruited bandits, honestly. Or pawns, why didn't anyone think of this?

So, no sooner does this guy mention the dragon then BAM! There it is. Challenge accepted, I thought. Imagine how popular I would be if I could kill that thing. The ladies would love me (there's like three of them), I could get all the free fish I want, and I could totally sell its corpse parts for money. Then I could buy stuff.

Hell yeah, I thought. So I pick up the sword of one of Eagleman's lackeys, who got burned, or crushed, or ran away or whatever. I'm charging this dragon, like, "Hyah, mutha-"

Suddenly I feel very weightless. My newfound ability to fly will most likely aid in my fight against the dragon. But no sooner am I airborn then I feel something large and hard hit me in the back. "Hey, screw you ground!" I say, as I attempt to get up. It seems the ground did a rather good job of catching me, because it's still holding on.

So now the dragon's above me, and I figure, "Well, I'll just fight it laying down, it's not a thing."

This was a temporary lapse in judgement on my part. I'd neglected to notice that the dragon is much larger than me.

The dragon proceeds to rip out my tasty insides, which I didn't really need anyway, I could probably buy more. He starts speaking spanish or something, and then he EATS MY HEART.

All in all, not a bad day. Which was soon followed by another. In fact, the next day came instantly, because cutscenes work that way.

So I'm laying on a bed, no one bothered to change my ripped-to-shit clothes, and they're even gossipping about me in the next room over. Not only that, I had to share my room with two complete strangers, and there was no T.V.

At this point, the spanish dragon is speaking to me again, but since he's a smart dragon, he picked up on the fact that I don't know spanish, and started speaking english. He tells me to take up arms, but I don't really need any more of those, it's guts that I'm missing, you took them, remember dragon?

I ignore him, but I do notice that there's some weapons sitting on a table, because who doesn't leave rusty old weapons around people that are trying to rest and heal from their mortal wounds? There's also a change of clothes, so I snag those. I figured I was pretty good at using swords already, I mean, I fought a DRAGON. So I pick up the staff, drop my nasty old clothes onto one of the hobos or whatever that was sharing my room, and then proceed out into the great, wide open world.

It was around this time, (or maybe when I read the wiki page), that I learned a bit more about my encounter with Senor Dragon. When he took my guts, I became one of these legendary dudes, an Arisen. They're super powerful and can get power levels that are upwards of 9000, whereas normy peeps, (like fishermen), can't even top 20.

I was reborn. I had a chance to become so much more than a fisherman who can't fish because we disintegrate when we go swimming. I could be a hero, or maybe just a mercenary. I could probably become an actor in an erotic movie if I could find the Silk Lingerie. There were so many possibilities.

I had become an Arisen.

An immortal being of limitless potential. Goblins and rabbits alike fell effortlessly before me. I spent my days heroicly slaughtering harmless birds, and seducing men, women, and children by dragging them different places for whatever reason.

I also met this chess dude, or maybe he was of the giant legendary bird variety. There had certainly been a lot of bird people walking around lately. Anyway, me and this guy are adventure bros from the minute we meet. It was probably the time I spent with Chess-Bird-Guy that really opened my eyes. I truly began to understand what it meant to be alive, especially given my recent death. I began to appreciate life in all it's many forms, so that was probably why I cried a little when I threw Chess-Bird-Guy off a cliff.

But now is when I meet my lady. I thought really hard about what kind of woman I would buy after my rematch with the dragon, and just when my blood vessels were about to burst, this adorable woman pops out of some kinda universe cloud that I figure rolled in when I was concentrating.

It was at that moment that I decided I would along with her better than Chess-Bird-Guy.

This annoying guy that yells a lot interrupted our intimate moment, though, and told me we need to learn to work together. I thought, "Forget working, I realized when I met Universe-Cloud-Lady that I would live for LOVE, and nothing else!"

Of course, I don't say this, because I don't want to get on Yelling Guy's bad side. He makes us move crates full of dirty underwear, but I don't know what that has to do with teamwork. He probably realized I was catching on, so he made us break stuff instead. Me and Universe-Cloud-Lady pretty much wrecked it up, not to brag or anything.

Then this lady with a car name tells me I should sleep with her. I figure since me and Universe-Cloud-Lady only just met, one last fling would be ok before I devote myself wholely to her. When I wake up, it's like, crazy late again. I need to get back on a regular sleeping schedule.

There was also a snake guy, but that was a minor thing.

Car Lady wants me to go with her to the capital, and it's getting harder to keep my exploits secret from Universe-Cloud-Lady, so we take the Snake Guy, and me, Car Lady, and Universe-Cloud-Lady set off. There were some other dudes, too. Fanboys or something.

Car Lady talks a lot during our walk to the Crapital. It gets annoying, especially considering I wasn't really interested in her to begin with. Man, it felt like it took forever.

When we get there, Car Lady ABANDONS me, and takes Snake Guy away so she can go live with the Dook. The Dook is some guy that also the fought the dragon, but unlike me, he wasn't very good at it. So he became Dook so that the dragon couldn't bully him anymore.

The first thing I find in the Crapital is this creepy dude staring at me. He tells me to wait somewhere at night. Yeah, I bet you want me to bend over, too.

Ignoring the creepy guy, I instead talk to that merchant chick that apparently went to my home village a lot. Her name is Maddy. She tells me pretty much nothing interesting, so I leave her to go exploring the Crapital.

Everyone keeps telling me to go to the Pawn Guild, I guess I'll check it out. But I have to be careful, cause I figured a pretty pissed off Chess-Bird-Guy would be waiting for me.

Universe-Cloud-Lady is pretty irritable. Either it's her time of the month, or she's still mad about Car Lady. I guess it was my fault Snake Guy got taken away. I hope Universe-Cloud-Lady doesn't go to live with the Dook, too.

In the Prawn Guild, I meet Barnacles. He's the same as Chess-Bird-Guy and Universe-Cloud-Lady, except he's not ugly, and also not an adorable woman. I forget what he said because I was checking out Universe-Cloud-Lady at the time. Then he tells me I should go jump in a hole. This hurt my feelings, so to stick it to him, I actually did it. At the bottom of the hole, me and Universe-Cloud-Lady are getting felt up by some eyeball tentacles. We decided not to stay too long.

Imagine the look on Barnacles' face when I come back from the hole, alive. He was impressed, and said I could borrow as many Prawns as I wanted whenever I wanted. Maybe I'll come back to this Prawn Guild, I thought.

This guy that looks like one of my fanboys tells me I should talk to some guy, so that I can get an audience with the Dook. I figure if it's a studio audience, I won't like it very much anyway, so I decide to continue my previous adventures.

TO BE CONTINUED.