User blog:Irongrom/The Gransys Rambler

So there I was, proppin' up the bar in Arsmith's, elbow deep in rancid suds. The cheap oil I bought from a travelling peddler to stop my armour rusting had become decidedly whiffy (thought I needed a bath but I'd had one this year already). This scantily-clad pawn Sorceress sidles up to me, eyes watering (poor gal must be overwhelmed by my animal magnetism) & lisps seductively "Is there aught I can do for you, Arisen?" I gives her a once-over, she's not too rough on the eyes, carrying some decent kit too. "Whoohoo!" thinks I, my luck may be changing. My trusty sidekick Pawn (he doesn't like being called Timothy) tapped me none too gently behind the ear with his staff and growled "She's looking for a job, ya sleazebag". Seeing as she was offering to work for food and lantern oil, I decided to give her a chance. Figuring on an early start for the next day's escort duty I slouched off to my bunk.

Now, I know you're probably thinking this is the beginning of a nice story, but 'tis in fact a cautionary tale - read on...

The three of us set off, Pawn annoyingly showing off his local knowledge, me head full of stale beer fumes, and the Sorceress flitting about gathering herbs, admiring the scenery and offering such uplifting quips as "There's strength in numbers, Arisen" After five minutes of that and I was good to strangle her and leave her behind a tree, but as usual Pawn (did I mention he don't like being called... oh yeh, i did) reminded me with the lumpy end of his staff to "try to play nice with others". To speed things up I decided to dust off our last Ferrystone (I never keep them in my codpiece, never know what that warpy stuff will do to yer gentleman parts) and zapped us off to our destination, delivering the thankful peasant to Bloodwater Beach to watch the tide come in. After bothering a few seagulls and other brave adventuring stuff we began the long trudge back. Up to that point, the boldest adventure stuff I'd seen from the Soceress was her blowing kisses to bunnies and rattling on about how the wide open spaces made her want to run free without a care...

No sooner had we left the seaside than we're up to our kneecaps in Goblins. "Piece of cake" thinks I - 'til I saw their pals, the fuggly Cyclops boys, who took a very one-eyed view of me 'n Pawn gettin' all medieval on their little  buddies. "Not to worry, there's three of us" I said to my trusty companions - only to realize the Sorceress has wandered off again, picking flowers or some such girly thing. Not to be daunted, I spied a handy ballista on a hilltop and made a strategic withdrawal towards it, thinking it would help even the odds. I managed to get off a few good shots - then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!! Fireballs 'n explosions 'n lightning rained from the sky!!! Boom!!! went the ballista, Whoosh!!! went my eyebrows & sweat-stained longjohns, and there's two mightily ticked-off Cyclops inbound... I shook the goblin-splatter and ballista splinters outta my eyes to see just WHAT THE FUDGE HAPPEND??? - and there stood the sorceress all sweet 'n innocent-like, without so much as a smoke stain on her harem pants. "There's strength in numbers, Arisen" quoth she. Hearing the thunder of approaching and unhappy Cyclops (Cyclopses?), and picturing our impending doom, I grabbed for her throat. Pawn (DO NOT call him Timothy) gave me yet another tap with his staff."I've learned a new way to combat these foes, Master" he informed me. 'Twas our good fortune that the Cyclops tag-team only beat on us 'til their arms got tired, giving us an opportunity to leg it while we still had scant breath in our battered, scorched bodies...

"Pray tell, what is the moral of this story?" I hear you ask - Don't hire a pawn 'cause it looks good, or has some shiny sword - check to see how it's inclinations will affect your next meeting with something big-n-nasty - or you may just end up disagreeing with something that ate you...